The Challenge of believing that there is a Higher Power - and that you can trust in it - is one of the greatest challenges of recovery.
I hated the word “God” when I first came in. I was 29 and bitter, cynical, and trusted no one. After a painful childhood, an extremely challenging and often miserable life - believing that anything was “All loving, and good” sounded naive and childish to me. In truth - I though it ridiculous. I thought people were lying when they spoke of their faith in a Higher Power. I scoffed at the whole idea, and rolled my eyes.
It felt like there was a big brick wall standing in-between me and ‘believing.’ It felt impossible to comprehend, let alone believe in. And worse: it felt irritating and overwhelming when people asked me to trust in it. My mind was already on overload trying to live my life sober and abstinent. I resented people trying to shove another problem into the mix.
For me I learned - that when I’m in extreme emotional pain, I don’t have the energy, the capacity, to try anything new.
It simply isn’t there.
But, back then I had no idea why my resistance was so strong. All I could feel, were the knee-jerk defenses I had against it, that felt like defiance… and disgust.
Eventually, with a sponsor’s and meetings’ help I discovered some of the “blockages” that were holding me back, below. And it became obvious, that I had to learn to move past them:
I had to learn that children who grew up in highly dysfunctional homes have had their Trust-ability severely damaged. For me, it felt like my “trust switch” was broken right off. Having been hurt so many times in the past when I tried to trust someone, why would I trust anyone now?… and get burned again? I didn’t know it at the time, but my inability to trust wasn’t defiance or rebellion - labels that only made me feel worse. But that it was a consequence of a painful childhood - and the ‘learned knowledge’ that I could trust no one.
The idea of a safe world, and kind people sounded like hogwash to me. There was nothing in the mind of this hurting addict that believed everything was “going to be fine”… that there were rainbows and daisies ahead. I’d had seen too much of the dark side to believe the flowery promises and again, they literally made me angry. I resented anyone trying to convince me of these ‘pie in the sky’ ideas. It felt like they were dangling a carrot in front of me, that would never be true.
I also had to learn that while I was learning to trust my Higher Power, I was still going to make mistakes. This one was huge for me. I finally was willing to try to trust my Higher Power, but then if something went wrong, I was devastated. I would be heartbroken and think; “Ah, hah! All that H.P. talk isn’t true. And then would hate myself for being “dumb” enough to believe it. It took time and other’s guidance to understand that trusting my HP does not mean that suddenly everything was going to go my way. This meant that I could trust, but shouldn’t expect everything to go my way. It sounds so obvious now. But back then - believe me - it wasn’t.
The next change in thinking took a long time, and was sad for me to look at. That in my childhood, I grew up learning that I didn’t deserve much. Yes, I had shelter, clothes and food on the table… but I didn’t have the important things like: Love and feeling safe in my own home. In public, my family looked ‘perfect.’ In reality, there was regular abuse from both parents.
And so, the things I learned to look at in recovery, went much deeper than the abuse - and hurt very much to look at: I received no respect as a human being. I was not allowed even my own human dignity. I had none of these. Sadly, what I did learn, was that: I deserved fear, criticism, rejection and abuse. Having these ugly beliefs deeply rooted in my mind, how could I suddenly believe in something good? It was a foreign, undigestible concept. So that subconsciously, all I could think was: Sounds good. But it’s not for me.
I also had to overcome my fear of asking for help. I hated asking anyone for help; really hated it. And how could I ask for help with something so weird and hard to grasp? Yet, there was no way I was going to learn about the Higher Power concept enough to start trusting it, if I didn’t get help. …I was terribly afraid of looking stupid, or for someone to find out that I didn’t believe at all. And even more scary, was my thought that those I asked, wouldn’t really know either.
I had to understand that my struggling horribly in getting “sober”, with all the pain that goes with it - did not mean that there is no Higher Power. It was a real breakthrough for me when I was able to make the distinction between the two: Struggling for quite a while with getting and staying sober - does Not mean there is no Higher Power. People have worse diseases than me, and there is much cruelty and tragedy in life worse than mine. When i stopped taking my difficulty getting sober personally - and realized I am just one among many - I saw that the Higher Power was not “singling me out” in my place of emotional pain. With this knowledge, I could trust my H.P. more and more, and not be let down when all my troubles didn’t disappear overnight.
And, I had to learn that recovery happens very, very slowly. Of course, no one wants to hear that. But - when we know what to expect - We Know What to Expect. Remember: Recovery is not just kicking an addiction. Recovering from addiction is changing how we live and how we cope and how we behave and react to life. That sounds like a lot - but millions are doing it every day.
Lastly, believing that the recovery process is easy for others and that they got it quickly - sabotages our own journey - and is not true. When I understood the process, and knew that others whom I saw had years of sobriety, had to go through the same frustrating journey, it was much easier than hating myself for failing and wanting to run away all the time. Learning that my recovery was going to be a long process - and not an overnight event - helped me to prepare realistically for my journey.
All my life, self-hatred and shame had filled the space where my Hope was meant to be. And we must have hope, just a glimmer of hope, to move forward. As long as I hung on to my cold, hard disbelief - I was not going to succeed. Learning that my closed mind was only an old defense mechanism from childhood, and no longer helped me but was hurting me now - I could see the problem clearly. In the beginning, still having all my fears and doubts, I found I could just try to believe. Why not? I had nothing to lose. I had everything to gain.
They say awareness is the first step in recovery. With help, I became aware of these painful thoughts in my head that were causing me to fail. Once you see them clearly, you will want to move past them too.
“What Stands in the Way of Me and My Higher Power?”
Question:
Do you feel a bit of hope?… even the smallest hope? Does any of the above speak to you? If so, you are experiencing the spirit of recovery.
Mull it over for a while.
No need to figure it out.
Just feel the good feelings…
Eventually I learned some concepts that made sense to me, and they’ve held true over the years: That the spirit is wisdom. The spirit is positive energy, and strength. The spirit is love. And most of all for us addicts: the spirit is hope. The spirit gives us hope, when on our own we had none.
We all have a spirit inside of us, whether we feel it, or are aware of it or not. Our spirit will carry us through, when our body and mind have given up. Just open your mind - just a little bit - to a new idea. Take a few moments to consider something that can and will change your life - for the better. You have absolutely nothing to lose.
And everything to gain.