When You are New to Eating Disorder Recovery

…you are not alone

It’s normal to be overwhelmed and afraid when we’re new to recovery.  Our eating disorder (ED) is one of the most personal things in our life.  When it feels like we have no control at all in our lives, our ED’s the one thing we have complete control over. - or at least it seems that way. They truly are precious to us – no matter how much emotional pain they cause.

This is one of the most confusing things when we’re beginning our recovery.  We know our eating or restricing is unhealthy and makes us miserable.  And at the same time, we feel we need to guard it with our lives.  Our sick eating is probably our greatest escape from the difficulties of life – from the worry, anger, resentments, self-doubt, and self-hatred so many of us suffer from.  Yes - we’re here beginning or continuing our recovery from our ED - but a part of us also hates the thought of letting go of it.  It’s a tough spot to be in.

The good news is it doesn’t have to be that difficult.   For those of us who have been around recovery for a while, there are some facts and explanations that make a huge difference in the process.  My not knowing, not hearing much of the information found here made my recovery painfully difficult, and full of failure. Which is why I’m so eager to share the nuggets of information I’ve gathered over time, to help anyone out there who is still struggling.

Here I share what I have learned in 32 years of recovery from my eating disorder.  Information I’ve gleaned from O.A. meetings, EDA meetings (Eating Disorders Anonymous), in-patient treatment and psychotherapy.  Remember, these are just the observations and experiences of one individual person recovering from their eating disorder.   Lots of folks will not agree with everything said below and that’s to be expected.  Our own individual recovery is specific to each of us and means something different to each of us.  We all come from different perspectives. 

1.  We are all scared - if not terrified - in the beginning. 

Take a few deep breaths.  It gets better the longer you stick around.  Most things are awkward and feel strange when we first start.  Like riding a bike – it’s very awkward at first, but you keep trying, and then you get the hang of it, and then you’re comfortable and happy.  Recovery, when you “Keep coming back” and keep moving forward gets much, much better.

2. Stay Connected

For me, this has been a very important piece of my recovery.  Not doing it - was a big part of my continuous failures in the beginning. (I’m also going to give very specific tips on what to say when you call other members of your support group. You may not need these - but a lot of people do when they first come in.)

a.      Call or text people.  If you are nervous about making a phone call, you can say something like: “Hi, I am new in O.A. and got your phone # from the Thursday mtg at 7, I was wondering if you have a minute to chat?”  

b.      Or leave a message – Leaving a message is important because otherwise it can be a wasted opportunity.  A message could sound like: “Hi, I’m Sue from the OA mtg last Thursday.  I am new to O.A. and would love to chat if you have the time.  Please call back if you can.” 

c.      Some sponsors will ask you to make “Out Reach Calls” which is what I’ve been referring to(!)   No matter how difficult it seems in the beginning, it enriches your program, and your life.  It is wonderful to have others who know your exact problem, feel many of the feelings that you do, struggle with so many of the same things you struggle with, that you can talk to, to share stories and problems and solutions with, and to laugh with once in a while(!)   Humans are social animals.  It is unnatural for anyone to isolate regularly.  It feels familiar, but it is unhealthy for us socially, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. 

d.      If you don’t know what to say when you have them on the phone, below are several suggestions of what you might say:

                            i.     Hi, this is Sue I’m new to OA and I saw you at the mtg on Tuesday night - do you have a minute to chat?  [[Sure!]]   Okay… I absolutely can’t stop thinking about food.  What do you do when the ‘food is calling to you?’

                              ii.     Hi, I’m Sue, I’m new to OA.  Do you have a minute to chat?  I saw you at the mtg last Monday and just need to talk.  Do you have any tips or suggestions for a newcomer?

                                iii.     Hi, I’m Sue, new to O.A.  I saw you at Wednesday’s mtg and am making an “Out Reach” call.  Do you have a minute?  How is your day going?  (they will typically answer then ask how you are doing - tell them your struggles, this is what people in O.A. do.)

3.      If you hear something strange in a meeting, don’t freak out. 

We’re all human, and any one of us might say something that sounds strange or odd.  Don’t let any “odd” comments throw you.  They might be having a horrible day, or under a lot of stress.  If you hear something upsetting regarding program or recovery, ask others in a text or a phone call what they thought of this particular statement.   This is not gossip. This is learning about recovery, and what is tried and true versus what someone just stated randomly. None of us should be  confused or upset by one person’s bad-day-sharing.  You can run it by your sponsor.  And it’s helpful to remember that we can and most likely will hear bad advice here and there.  What works for one individual, might not work at all for another.   So don’t believe or take in every comment you hear in a meeting.  Just keep calm and carry on(!) This kind of thing is a very good topic to bring up in your Out-Reach Calls.

4.      Abstinence

Abstinence can be different for everyone.  While everyone is suggested to eat healthy balanced meals with healthy portion amounts, the specific food plan anyone uses often differs from others.  You might be gluten-intolerant, or diabetic, etc, and this will affect your food plan.  Let’s point out the difference between Abstinence and a food plan: A food plan is a structure of 3 meals and a snack(s) that we try to adhere to, as far as amounts, portions, etc.  Abstinence is the overall healthy eating behavior.  Which typically includes following the structure of our food plan (to the best of our ability) and staying away from our “trigger” foods.  The food plan is something tangible, you can see it in black and white, and our abstinence is more of a lifestyle.  We are either following our old disordered eating lifestyle or behaviors, or we are following our new recovery eating behaviors and our new healthy lifestyle.  Abstinence is simpler than all of the above sounds(!)

I and many other O.A. member have taken some version of the steps outlined below:

a.     Begin with consulting a nutritionist or your sponsor to find out what a healthy food plan might look like for you. Nutritionists can be extremely helpful.  Others (including myself) found a basic food plan without a nutritionist and then included in their abstinence the list of trigger foods or binge foods (with the help of a sponsor).  If any particular food, especially sweets, junk food or snacks, gives you trouble, then that could be a “trigger food” or “binge food” or “red light food” for you.  When you start eating something and know you can’t stop, that would go on the list.

b.      Once you found a healthy food plan with your nutritionist or your sponsor you can work on what your trigger foods are.  In the beginning it is suggested we completely abstain from our trigger foods.

c.      This brings up another fact about Abstinence – It is common for peoples’ abstinence to change over time.  This is typically referring to our “trigger foods” which we are completely abstaining from in the beginning.  So when you are making up your trigger food list in the beginning, it’s helpful to know, that most likely they will not be off limits forever.   As you start experiencing abstinence and are eating your 3 meals with appropriate portions and your snack(s) each day, many are able to slowly start taking one of their “trigger foods” off of the trigger list, and allow it back in to their food plan.  Emphasis on slowly.  This takes a good deal of time.  It took me a very long time before I could add some of my trigger foods back to my healthy eating plan.   And it’s a good idea to add them one at a time.  As we all find out – recovering from an eating disorder is not easy.   The last thing we want to do is upset all our hard work by adding several triggers or even two “binge foods” at the same time.  When it comes to Abstinence, the old saying applies, “Better safe than sorry.”  

 5. You Do Need a Sponsor

This is a very important key to successful recvoery -

a.      To begin with, there is an old, famous, oft-used phrase that you will hear again and again in eating disorder recovery:  No one can do it alone.  And if you feel a resistance to this, just know that we all freaked out when we found out we had to get a sponsor.   And if you feel a seething resentment against this “suggestion” just know that that is how prone to isolation we all have been, and how much secrecy our eating behaviors have been hidden in.  It is unnatural to keep everything to ourselves.  Humans are social animals.  It is going against our basic nature to be and stay alone in life.  Isolation, or keeping many secrets from others is a big factor of depression.  Isolation is a huge piece in our negative thinking run wild, with no one’s input to pull us out of it.   A sponsor is like a coach or guide.  One of the primary purposes of having a sponsor is for them to guide you through working the steps.  You need them for direction.  A sponsor is simply someone who has a good deal of recovery and abstinence and has worked the steps and is approachable/ kind and has time for you.   Yes, this is a tall order – but there are many, many great people sponsoring others, helping to guide their recovery; supporting and inspiring their recovery. 

b.      How do you get a sponsor?

When you notice someone attending a meeting regularly, so that you can hear their shares week after week, and notice that they seem to be working a strong program and they seem likable and approachable, they could be a good person to ask.

c.      Sometimes the above process can take a while and it’s great to have someone sooner than later to talk to on a regular basis to answer questions and help support you.  The easiest way I know of to ask someone to be your sponsor, (and it takes all the pressure off of you and off them) is to ask them to temporarily sponsor you initially.  If it all works out and both parties are happy, then you can move on to a typical, long lasting sponsor/sponsee relationship.   This way you are not ‘stuck with’ someone that you find eventually you’re not really comfortable with.  Don’t be afraid to ask.  Things will eventually fall into place. 

d.      What if they say No?

Of course there are times the person will decline. There are many valid reasons such as: they may already have a good deal of sponsees, and don’t have the time to take on anymore.  They may simply have too busy of a  life, they don’t have time at all. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

6. Last but not least:

The Ever Elusive “Higher Power” piece

A whole book can be written on this element alone:  What is a Higher Power?  And what part does it play in an addicts’ recovery?   

a.      First, if the word “God” offends or upsets you, do not worry.  You are not alone.  Many of us had a hard time with the “God” idea.  It often brings up old childh  ood religion concepts of a negative, punishing God; some judge in the sky watching your every move.  Of course, that’s not what 12 Step Program is referring to.  There are many, many reasons that “God” is a difficult concept for people to accept when they first come in.  The good news is you do not have to refer to your Higher Power as God.  The steps were written in the 1930’s and many people in recovery are much more comfortable with the Higher Power term.  The Higher Power term usually works for everyone.  In any case, the bottom line is, there is a power greater than ourselves, and this is what the steps are referring to, no matter what terminology is used.

b.      A Higher Power is, as the literature says:  A Power Greater Than Yourself.  While that might sound elusive – it’s an important point.  We have found we have no power when it comes to our addiction - We are power-less.   But there is a power outside of ourselves that does exist and can help us recover from our addiction.   There exists something, beyond ourselves that has the power we need.  Fact.

c.      Personally, I think of my Higher Power as Life.  Life and Nature.  There is nothing natural, normal or healthy about my disordered eating amounts or my solitary eating behaviors.  I have a horrible miserable problem (addiction) and I have no control over it.  But there is a Power Great than me, that can allow me to recover, as long as I am willing to do the work.  This power could be Nature, or the Universal Spirit, or Divine Intelligence. 

d.      My higher power is also Light.   Life.   Love.   And my H.P. is hope.  When I was in my disease, I had no hope.  I had given up hope in making my life any better, or recovering from my horrible addiction, and had just given in to it.  Given up to trying to break out of this small, unhappy life I was living.  A higher Power is a real hope that there can be goodness in this world. 

e.      And there can be goodness in my life.  Goodness to look forward to in my future.   Hope means I can dream again.  Plan again.  Even trust again.  Or maybe, trust for the very first time.  Hope equals positive potential.  Hope can be a healthy, life-strengthening-future to look forward to.