The destruction from overeating, is not just about the food; not just about the weight; the chronic illness’ caused by excess weight… or the damage that purging and starvation do to our bodies.
Possibly the worst damage of binging is:
The Mindset we go to - when we do it.
This isn’t as abstract as you might think.
All addicts’ thinking is negative. Self-recriminating thoughts are the norm for addicts. So for us, compulsive eating seems like the obvious solution.
But the compulsion to overeat as I know it, is caused by our own painful thinking. Our own thoughts keep us down. Our own thoughts hurt us.
Our own thoughts support our hating ourselves.
For decades the general idea had been: It doesn’t matter why we eat. We eat “because we’re compulsive over-eaters.”
I believe it is important why we eat. There are reasons that we eat. And I believe ignoring these for so long has helped make recovery from eating disorders horribly difficult.
We overeat over our feelings: We overeat because we feel hopeless.
And we overeat because we feel alone in the world; like things will never get better. We overeat because we don’t like ourselves. And because we have no idea what to do about it.
We are plagued by self-defeating thoughts that greatly affect How we feel about ourselves; What we believe we are capable of; and most painfully - if we feel we are lovable or not.
What is the reason we overeat? Because our thoughts and feelings about ourselves are incredibly painful. Emotional agony is one of the greatest common denominator of all addictions.
** Why is this not speaking to me? Why do I feel like; maybe I’m angry, but I don’t hate myself?… **
For some of us, the negative thoughts and painful feelings are clear to us. But when I was new, none of this would’ve made sense. Why can this destructive reality about ourselves be hard to get in touch? For myself I know it was because:
It is our subconscious that holds our deepest, self defeating thoughts
Very often these painful feelings have no words; no evident thoughts; no inner dialogue. Very often it’s just a feeling. A deep, core-like pain - and we have no idea what it is. We only know one thing: We Need Relief. The feeling of shame or self hatred, is a horrible, heavy, energy-draining feeling. For me it felt spirit-flattening. It took all the air out of me. It took all the air out of my spirit. It makes us feel useless, hopeless, and unlovable.
These thoughts we have are swimming around in our subconscious. New in recovery, they feel like they’re a part of us. These feelings feel like they ARE us.
They are not.
But they absolutely feel like it in the beginning. They may not be us, but they come out often, especially when we’re alone: After an argument with someone we care about. They grab a microphone in our head when we get back to our desk after talking to our boss… After yet another let-down. When we’re at a party and feel uncomfortable, less-than and horribly alone.
If you’re not familiar with the negative voice / the “Inner Critic” - Most of ours say things like:
“You are so stupid! How could you do that?” "Why did you say that? Now they hate you.” or “What an idiot!” “You are such a loser.” “Give up now. You’re never going to make it.”
Why this much emphasis on the negative self-talk of addiction? Because it is so painful that we eat to shut it up.
this emphasis, because it is a large part
of Why We Overeat.
I believe the “negative self-talk” / the deeply negative feelings, are a huge part of why we overeat. Why we binge… and purge… and restrict.
We take Self-Destructive actions regularly, to silence/numb those feelings. We hate ourselves after what we do with food - and we do it again.
How is compulsively overeating Damaging to us beyond the weight and physical damage?
Because of where our mind goes when we do it.
For me, this is where my mind went: “I give up…” “I hate life. I hate myself.” “Nothing ever works for me!” “I am so miserably alone.” “How is anything going to change?... No one cares.”
At some point, we have said to ourselves: Okay, it’s pointless… I am sitting here with my food and my internet - you all go on without me. I can’t handle life, and I’m not trying anymore. I have found my way of coping: to sit here. alone. and eat.
What in a nutshell is the negative thinking reinforced every time we over eat? “It’s no use. I give up. Just leave me alone.”
And inevitably - afterwards - we despise ourselves… just a little bit more.
Zoning-out with the food = Giving Up on Life.
No one can say we are terrible people; or lazy; or irresponsible, because we know how addiction works . Our eating disordered behaviors are not about lack of will power. We are not to be blamed for having this disease. But at the same time - what we do about it, is our responsibility.
It has helped me, to understand where my mind goes when I feel like compulsive eating. It has been KEY for me to see the whole picture of what my eating disorder is doing to me. Allowing my eating disorder to continue - is ruining my thinking, my motivation and any chance at real happiness.
Knowing what I am really doing to myself - when I think of overeating at night - has helped. Knowing how when I deaden all my feelings with food, it includes the good ones - Like motivation, Joy… feeling my own Self-Acceptance… feeling hope. I am clear now, how eating to zone out, ruins my hope.
So, Yes. Ultimately, Yes…
Knowing some of the major reasons I overeat is a Big Help.
Now, I notice now, how much a compulsive-eating-night affects me the next morning - the negative effects are much clearer now. After eating compulsively to zone out, my motivation is practically gone. I am dragging. I can’t focus as well. I just don’t care about much of anything.
…and I am damaging My Own Self-Image - when I compulsively overeat.
So, knowing Why I’m overeating, and What I am really doing to myself when I do it - has made me able to see my overeating in a whole new way. I am much clearer on how Overeating stomps on my ability to feel Happiness.
For me, sometimes knowledge does help with my addiction. And knowing more clearly what the problems are…
means that we are this much closer to a solution.
