EMDR: Results. New understandings. Healed Perspective. Neuro plasticity being bent, back where it always belonged.
EMDR LOG:
June 19. 2024
Audio triggers from complex PTSD/childhood incest
In session things I’d forgotten for a very long time came back up.
The slam of the front door that sent me into panic when the audio memory came up.
The three of them laughing
Them grabbing my toe that was sticking out from under the covers, to “wake me up.”
The sound of the leather jacket, the beautiful, rich leather that made that rubbing sound when he moved.
The massive terror, indescribable terror when I first came back to my parent’s house after 8 years, and thinking I heard his leather jacket. Sheer terror. when i finaly opened my eyes I could see it was the Welcome Home balloon scraping along the wall when the heat came o n.
Them telling me it would taste like milk.
Them telling me they would kill all my friends at school and my teacher, if I didn’t do it. Or if I told anybody.
The splinters of my only visual flashback… Sitting at a desk off of Marine Drive in Chicago, writing about the sexual abuse, and closing my eyes, and suddenly being taken back, to see, visually see the dark room of my bedroom when the abuse was happening, and only the tiny silverish splinters that looked like the edges of the furniture in the pitch black.
I almost had a heart attack when that visual memory came up.
For some reason I remembered the third one distinctly this time…. just a memory of an image - not a visual.
Thinking about my sexual abuse from three men starting at the age of 3, knowing I was going into session soon, and hearing: “You’re not even human. You don’t belong here.”
Remembering all the bulimic support group meetings, where almost everyone in the room was suicidal. And me saying outloud to everyone - I feel like a dirty, filthy can of worms and maggots inside me. and most of the girls nodding their heads in agreement.