I’ve had a great morning. As I putz around with my coffee cup, happy, calm, I go to brush my teeth. I look in the mirror - and it begins. Within seconds I am judging myself. One self-judgement leads to another; then a correction: to ‘be kinder to myself’, then a judgement about that; and another recrimination; turns into a harsh insult - and I am in-my-head again. Back in my definite docile of choice - where I’ve spent about 90% of my life. My thoughts speeding around, in a non-stop whirl of anxiety. Fear, dread, stewing resentments, fantasies of retaliating… worry. One topic switches to another... Judgement. Criticism. Pondering. …and the ultimate place my mind always goes to: ‘I’ve got to Figure This Out…’
But this time was different. I could feel my energy drop. I noticed it. As I felt the weird shift, I felt the dullest ache; some mysterious sadness… ever so mild…normally ‘never even registered.
How did I go from simply looking in the mirror, feeling fairly normal - to a whole other place. A completely different mindset. I went from being in the “now” - in the present moment - to being stuck in my head... for the ten billionth time.
What is it, that can mysteriously trigger me into that aching anxiety? Worry. Worry. Worry. And it’s so insidiously subtle. Up until now, I was never aware when it occurred - the shift from normalcy to hell. And only hours later would I realize I am miserable - and I have spiraled down to my own personal hell, again.
What’s the trigger? Is it Judgment? One self judgment and I’m off? My head goes straight into another monologue and I am slowly sliding ‘down the rabbit hole’… “Why? Who? How come? Why can’t I? I can’t believe they did that! I can’t take it anymore!! …Why does this always happen to me? I. Just. Can’t. Win.”
And my energy starts leaking out; down… down. Motivation is gone. I’m in a half-daze of a familiar misery. I don’t consciously think of it like that - but it just sits like a dull, edgy nausea, deep in my chest… almost all day long. It’s that constant weight and worry.
I think briefly of going back to bed. And if my eating disorder were still active - you know this would drive me straight to the fridge.
But without any distraction, I’m still in my wretched head. And somehow… I don’t like my life anymore. And I hate everyone.
Is this what hell is like?
I don’t have any of the answers.
But I’m clear on this - that my inner voice is often my enemy.
The depressing negative voice that talks nonstop in our heads is called the ‘Inner Voice’ or ‘Inner Critic.’ Are you familiar with what an Inner Critic sounds like? Mine says things like: “You idiot! What the hell did you do that for? What’s wrong with you?!!” or “I’m such a loser. I can’t do anything right.” And the most painful: “I hate myself... My life is not going to change.”
My brain Produces Pain
I could go on forever about the Inner Critic. My inner voice has dominated - and ruined - much of my life. In-between my own ears my own thoughts have beat me up - kept me down - and kept my life very, very small - for 59 years.
Personally, I’m at a turning point. I can feel it. I am ready to turn that corner. I’ve probably been ready for a long, long time. But now, I’m ready to take action. Personally, I am declaring war on my own Inner Voice.
…It’s not going to be easy.
It’s going to take a lot of work and a long time - like most things in recovery. But I know it can be done. I’ve changed much of my hurtful thinking already. Sometimes I feel like I’m fighting this damn disease with everything I’ve got. And, if I am in the ring with my Disease - ring the bell. I’m ready for the next round.
Will you join me?