How I Made a Dent in the Negativity

I always thought affirmations were silly. They seemed corny and dumb - but mostly - they felt “wrong” for me.

Back then, I didn’t know that all of this was due to my subconscious thoughts. While I was trying to be “happy” on the outside, my insides were swimming in pain. I learned how powerful the sub conscious is. I found that understanding my subconscious - just a little - would be a game changer for me.

Our subconscious is where all our shame and pain is… For addicts, our core beliefs are very skewed and negative. There is nothing natural about a human being hating themselves… or having no hope. Where healthy normal, self-acceptance should be, we have a deep self-hate. No wonder we’re in so much pain. No wonder we have no ambition and feel hopeless at times.

Our subconscious holds our worst fears and beliefs about ourselves… Thoughts like: “I'm so stupid.” “No one really likes me… No one understands. No one cares… I’m such a Loser.”

Now I understood why I hated affirmations so much. My conscious mind told me I should do them. But my subconscious mind - the stronger of the two - felt they were lies. It believed the absolute opposite. With my subconscious mind spews such nasty insults at me - it made my saying affirmations like whispering in the wind. Truly, it felt so unnatural I couldn’t bring myself to do it. With this new clarity, I had to ask myself:

How long am I going to let negative lies from my subconscious over rule the positive traits everyone tells me I have? How long will I refuse to look at my good traits - while the Negativity is still beating the hell out of me?

I learned that I didn’t have a choice anymore - I had to look at my assets! My dark subconscious is putting me down all day. I’ve. Got. to Start. Countering. It.

A big piece that I realized I had to get past was this:

It just wasn’t going to work to be “fashionably” modest anymore. My trying to act modest; refusing to say anything positive about myself, as an excuse, was truly hurting me. Because it was an excuse: a cover-up. The real truth is that I was full of shame. Horrible shame. I wasn’t aware of this significant piece of my disease, but it was there, swarming in my subconscious. I’d thought I was being “modest”, even admirable, but I was wrong.

And there is a difference between healthy self acceptance and bragging. No one is saying: brag obnoxiously about your good points. The important piece is what you believe in your own head. And when you believe the good traits are there - it becomes easier and easier to speak about them. We’ve been hurting a long, long time. Our spirit is yearning for gentle acceptance and validation.

Now when I’m feeling down, or have time in the car, I remember to fortify myself. I can say some truths about myself, that even in the beginning, I could tolerate: “I am working hard on my recovery. I have made progress already. I can be proud of myself now. There is hope for me today.”

Each of these felt good - when I said them a few times - and meant it. When I forced myself to say them, and think about them and tried to see their truth, it became powerful.

And a great place to start.

Am I Aware of the Fog?

For me, when I’m eating on and off all day, grazing - I am sedating myself. When I eat continuously after dinner, as I watch tv or a movie, I am numbing myself from my feelings and my thoughts. Food is a drug in this way. It feels that way to me.

When I’m grazing constantly, Yes, I’ll get some things done… but there’s that dull, slight haze of being disconnected. I’m intentionally disconnecting from painful feelings or anxiety, but I’m also cutting myself off from much more: Any clear thinking, any real motivation, and self esteem. How is it, that by compulsively overeating, our brain knows we are ‘screwing up’, even if we won’t consciously acknowledge it to ourselves. And for me, this felt like the ether to my disease… the ever-present ugliness that was always with me, when I was deep in my disease. I didn’t have to be eating at the moment, but the over-all depression and low self esteem and huge self doubt were constant companions. Like constantly bullying companions.

For me, I had to look very clearly at what I was doing to myself. Because if I kept going along at my normal MO, my recovery was not going to happen. I had to change how i looked at my eating, and start examining the long list of justifications I had for eating that deep down I knew was wrong.

On the other hand, Normal eating is different. I have energy when I’m eating healthier foods in real meals. This means, I am not in the constant dull haze of disappointing myself, hating myself, and feeling utterly hopeless… due to allowing the compulsive eating to rule me. And it means I am not hearing my mother’s voice in my head, putting me down non-stop. When I eat healthier, I’m not sinking in that painful negative spiral - that I am when I’m compulsively overeating. … With healthier eating, I’m eating for fuel. Doesn’t that sound wonderful. This is what a healthy functional life looks like!

I know for me, the negative consequences from allowing my over-eating are many. When I am compulsively eating is like turning my energy gauge to low. I’m dragging, and haven’t connected my lack of energy with the food… I’m just in the semi-trance state, where I “feel comfortable” - but I’m really not in touch. Yes, I’ve successfully shut off my feelings, so I think everything’s okay now. But I’ve also shut myself off from a lot more. I’m also not in touch with goals, good judgement, fresh ideas, problem solving… I’m definitely not in touch with any confidence. I’ve cut myself off from my own energy supply… and consistently feeding myself small amounts of shame. I am dragging myself down - without even knowing it.

When I began to eat “cleaner”, I started experiencing what a clear mind felt like. I’d never had a mindset not drastically altered by depression… at least never consistently. I might get spurts of confidence - but in my bingeing days - they never lasted. It seemed like any happiness or motivation, was fleeting. It was the dark, dull, energy-sapped-feeling that was the constant.

I know how challenging this is! I’ve been there. But I know it helped when I was clear on all the effects the food was having on me: Not just the weight - not just my health - but the large effect it has on my thinking.

Higher Power, please guide me.

I truly need Your help.

Please stand next to me when I make my food choices today.

Please help me make my decisions - about what I eat - and how much.

With my prayer - I know you will guide me

.