Let Me Out of My Head

I’ve had a great morning. As I putz around with my coffee cup, happy, calm, I go to brush my teeth. I look in the mirror - and it begins. Within seconds I am judging myself. One self-judgement leads to another; then a correction: to ‘be kinder to myself’, then a judgement about that; and another recrimination; turns into a harsh insult - and I am in-my-head again. Back in my definite docile of choice - where I’ve spent about 90% of my life. My thoughts speeding around, in a non-stop whirl of anxiety. Fear, dread, stewing resentments, fantasies of retaliating… worry. One topic switches to another... Judgement. Criticism. Pondering. …and the ultimate place my mind always goes to: ‘I’ve got to Figure This Out…’

But this time was different. I could feel my energy drop. I noticed it. As I felt the weird shift, I felt the dullest ache; some mysterious sadness… ever so mild…normally ‘never even registered.

How did I go from simply looking in the mirror, feeling fairly normal - to a whole other place. A completely different mindset. I went from being in the “now” - in the present moment - to being stuck in my head... for the ten billionth time.

What is it, that can mysteriously trigger me into that aching anxiety? Worry. Worry. Worry. And it’s so insidiously subtle. Up until now, I was never aware when it occurred - the shift from normalcy to hell. And only hours later would I realize I am miserable - and I have spiraled down to my own personal hell, again.

What’s the trigger? Is it Judgment? One self judgment and I’m off? My head goes straight into another monologue and I am slowly sliding ‘down the rabbit hole’… “Why? Who? How come? Why can’t I? I can’t believe they did that! I can’t take it anymore!! …Why does this always happen to me? I. Just. Can’t. Win.”

And my energy starts leaking out; down… down. Motivation is gone. I’m in a half-daze of a familiar misery. I don’t consciously think of it like that - but it just sits like a dull, edgy nausea, deep in my chest… almost all day long. It’s that constant weight and worry.

I think briefly of going back to bed. And if my eating disorder were still active - you know this would drive me straight to the fridge.

But without any distraction, I’m still in my wretched head. And somehow… I don’t like my life anymore. And I hate everyone.

Is this what hell is like?

I don’t have any of the answers.

But I’m clear on this - that my inner voice is often my enemy.

The depressing negative voice that talks nonstop in our heads is called the ‘Inner Voice’ or ‘Inner Critic.’ Are you familiar with what an Inner Critic sounds like? Mine says things like: “You idiot! What the hell did you do that for? What’s wrong with you?!!” or “I’m such a loser. I can’t do anything right.” And the most painful: “I hate myself... My life is not going to change.”

My brain Produces Pain

I could go on forever about the Inner Critic. My inner voice has dominated - and ruined - much of my life. In-between my own ears my own thoughts have beat me up - kept me down - and kept my life very, very small - for 59 years.

Personally, I’m at a turning point. I can feel it. I am ready to turn that corner. I’ve probably been ready for a long, long time. But now, I’m ready to take action. Personally, I am declaring war on my own Inner Voice.

…It’s not going to be easy.

It’s going to take a lot of work and a long time - like most things in recovery. But I know it can be done. I’ve changed much of my hurtful thinking already. Sometimes I feel like I’m fighting this damn disease with everything I’ve got. And, if I am in the ring with my Disease - ring the bell. I’m ready for the next round.

Will you join me?

What Stands Between Me and My Higher Power?

The Challenge of believing that there is a Higher Power - and that you can trust in it - is one of the greatest challenges of recovery.

I hated the word “God” when I first came in. I was 29 and bitter, cynical, and trusted no one. After a painful childhood, an extremely challenging and often miserable life - believing that anything was “All loving, and good” sounded naive and childish to me. In truth - I though it ridiculous. I thought people were lying when they spoke of their faith in a Higher Power. I scoffed at the whole idea, and rolled my eyes.

It felt like there was a big brick wall standing in-between me and ‘believing.’ It felt impossible to comprehend, let alone believe in. And worse: it felt irritating and overwhelming when people asked me to trust in it. My mind was already on overload trying to live my life sober and abstinent. I resented people trying to shove another problem into the mix.

For me I learned - that when I’m in extreme emotional pain, I don’t have the energy, the capacity, to try anything new.

It simply isn’t there.

But, back then I had no idea why my resistance was so strong. All I could feel, were the knee-jerk defenses I had against it, that felt like defiance… and disgust.

Eventually, with a sponsor’s and meetings’ help I discovered some of the “blockages” that were holding me back, below. And it became obvious, that I had to learn to move past them:

• I had to learn that children who grew up in highly dysfunctional homes have had their Trust-ability severely damaged. For me, it felt like my “trust switch” was broken right off. Having been hurt so many times in the past when I tried to trust someone, why would I trust anyone now?… and get burned again? I didn’t know it at the time, but my inability to trust wasn’t defiance or rebellion - labels that only made me feel worse. But that it was a consequence of a painful childhood - and the ‘learned knowledge’ that I could trust no one.

• The idea of a safe world, and kind people sounded like hogwash to me. There was nothing in the mind of this hurting addict that believed everything was “going to be fine”… that there were rainbows and daisies ahead. I’d had seen too much of the dark side to believe the flowery promises and again, they literally made me angry. I resented anyone trying to convince me of these ‘pie in the sky’ ideas. It felt like they were dangling a carrot in front of me, that would never be true.

• I also had to learn that while I was learning to trust my Higher Power, I was still going to make mistakes. This one was huge for me. I finally was willing to try to trust my Higher Power, but then if something went wrong, I was devastated. I would be heartbroken and think; “Ah, hah! All that H.P. talk isn’t true. And then would hate myself for being “dumb” enough to believe it. It took time and other’s guidance to understand that trusting my HP does not mean that suddenly everything was going to go my way. This meant that I could trust, but shouldn’t expect everything to go my way. It sounds so obvious now. But back then - believe me - it wasn’t.

• The next change in thinking took a long time, and was sad for me to look at. That in my childhood, I grew up learning that I didn’t deserve much. Yes, I had shelter, clothes and food on the table… but I didn’t have the important things like: Love and feeling safe in my own home. In public, my family looked ‘perfect.’ In reality, there was regular abuse from both parents.

• And so, the things I learned to look at in recovery, went much deeper than the abuse - and hurt very much to look at: I received no respect as a human being. I was not allowed even my own human dignity. I had none of these. Sadly, what I did learn, was that: I deserved fear, criticism, rejection and abuse. Having these ugly beliefs deeply rooted in my mind, how could I suddenly believe in something good? It was a foreign, undigestible concept. So that subconsciously, all I could think was: Sounds good. But it’s not for me.

• I also had to overcome my fear of asking for help. I hated asking anyone for help; really hated it. And how could I ask for help with something so weird and hard to grasp? Yet, there was no way I was going to learn about the Higher Power concept enough to start trusting it, if I didn’t get help. …I was terribly afraid of looking stupid, or for someone to find out that I didn’t believe at all. And even more scary, was my thought that those I asked, wouldn’t really know either.

• I had to understand that my struggling horribly in getting “sober”, with all the pain that goes with it - did not mean that there is no Higher Power. It was a real breakthrough for me when I was able to make the distinction between the two: Struggling for quite a while with getting and staying sober - does Not mean there is no Higher Power. People have worse diseases than me, and there is much cruelty and tragedy in life worse than mine. When i stopped taking my difficulty getting sober personally - and realized I am just one among many - I saw that the Higher Power was not “singling me out” in my place of emotional pain. With this knowledge, I could trust my H.P. more and more, and not be let down when all my troubles didn’t disappear overnight.

• And, I had to learn that recovery happens very, very slowly. Of course, no one wants to hear that. But - when we know what to expect - We Know What to Expect. Remember: Recovery is not just kicking an addiction. Recovering from addiction is changing how we live and how we cope and how we behave and react to life. That sounds like a lot - but millions are doing it every day.

• Lastly, believing that the recovery process is easy for others and that they got it quickly - sabotages our own journey - and is not true. When I understood the process, and knew that others whom I saw had years of sobriety, had to go through the same frustrating journey, it was much easier than hating myself for failing and wanting to run away all the time. Learning that my recovery was going to be a long process - and not an overnight event - helped me to prepare realistically for my journey.

All my life, self-hatred and shame had filled the space where my Hope was meant to be. And we must have hope, just a glimmer of hope, to move forward. As long as I hung on to my cold, hard disbelief - I was not going to succeed. Learning that my closed mind was only an old defense mechanism from childhood, and no longer helped me but was hurting me now - I could see the problem clearly. In the beginning, still having all my fears and doubts, I found I could just try to believe. Why not? I had nothing to lose. I had everything to gain.

They say awareness is the first step in recovery. With help, I became aware of these painful thoughts in my head that were causing me to fail. Once you see them clearly, you will want to move past them too.

“What Stands in the Way of Me and My Higher Power?”

Question:

Do you feel a bit of hope?… even the smallest hope? Does any of the above speak to you? If so, you are experiencing the spirit of recovery.

Mull it over for a while.

No need to figure it out.

Just feel the good feelings…

Eventually I learned some concepts that made sense to me, and they’ve held true over the years: That the spirit is wisdom. The spirit is positive energy, and strength. The spirit is love. And most of all for us addicts: the spirit is hope. The spirit gives us hope, when on our own we had none.

We all have a spirit inside of us, whether we feel it, or are aware of it or not. Our spirit will carry us through, when our body and mind have given up. Just open your mind - just a little bit - to a new idea. Take a few moments to consider something that can and will change your life - for the better. You have absolutely nothing to lose.

And everything to gain.

The Damage done is Not just With Food

The destruction from overeating, is not just about the food; not just about the weight; the chronic illness’ caused by excess weight… or the damage that purging and starvation do to our bodies.

Possibly the worst damage of binging is:

The Mindset we go to - when we do it.

This isn’t as abstract as you might think.

All addicts’ thinking is negative. Self-recriminating thoughts are the norm for addicts. So for us, compulsive eating seems like the obvious solution.

But the compulsion to overeat as I know it, is caused by our own painful thinking. Our own thoughts keep us down. Our own thoughts hurt us.

Our own thoughts support our hating ourselves.

For decades the general idea had been: It doesn’t matter why we eat. We eat “because we’re compulsive over-eaters.”

I believe it is important why we eat. There are reasons that we eat. And I believe ignoring these for so long has helped make recovery from eating disorders horribly difficult.

We overeat over our feelings: We overeat because we feel hopeless.

And we overeat because we feel alone in the world; like things will never get better. We overeat because we don’t like ourselves. And because we have no idea what to do about it.

We are plagued by self-defeating thoughts that greatly affect How we feel about ourselves; What we believe we are capable of; and most painfully - if we feel we are lovable or not.

What is the reason we overeat? Because our thoughts and feelings about ourselves are incredibly painful. Emotional agony is one of the greatest common denominator of all addictions.

** Why is this not speaking to me? Why do I feel like; maybe I’m angry, but I don’t hate myself?… **

For some of us, the negative thoughts and painful feelings are clear to us. But when I was new, none of this would’ve made sense. Why can this destructive reality about ourselves be hard to get in touch? For myself I know it was because:

It is our subconscious that holds our deepest, self defeating thoughts

Very often these painful feelings have no words; no evident thoughts; no inner dialogue. Very often it’s just a feeling. A deep, core-like pain - and we have no idea what it is. We only know one thing: We Need Relief. The feeling of shame or self hatred, is a horrible, heavy, energy-draining feeling. For me it felt spirit-flattening. It took all the air out of me. It took all the air out of my spirit. It makes us feel useless, hopeless, and unlovable.

These thoughts we have are swimming around in our subconscious. New in recovery, they feel like they’re a part of us. These feelings feel like they ARE us.

They are not.

But they absolutely feel like it in the beginning. They may not be us, but they come out often, especially when we’re alone: After an argument with someone we care about. They grab a microphone in our head when we get back to our desk after talking to our boss… After yet another let-down. When we’re at a party and feel uncomfortable, less-than and horribly alone.

If you’re not familiar with the negative voice / the “Inner Critic” - Most of ours say things like:

“You are so stupid! How could you do that?” "Why did you say that? Now they hate you.” or “What an idiot!” “You are such a loser.” “Give up now. You’re never going to make it.”

Why this much emphasis on the negative self-talk of addiction? Because it is so painful that we eat to shut it up.

this emphasis, because it is a large part

of Why We Overeat.

I believe the “negative self-talk” / the deeply negative feelings, are a huge part of why we overeat. Why we binge… and purge… and restrict.

We take Self-Destructive actions regularly, to silence/numb those feelings. We hate ourselves after what we do with food - and we do it again.

How is compulsively overeating Damaging to us beyond the weight and physical damage?

Because of where our mind goes when we do it.

For me, this is where my mind went: “I give up…” “I hate life. I hate myself.” “Nothing ever works for me!” “I am so miserably alone.” “How is anything going to change?... No one cares.”

At some point, we have said to ourselves: Okay, it’s pointless… I am sitting here with my food and my internet - you all go on without me. I can’t handle life, and I’m not trying anymore. I have found my way of coping: to sit here. alone. and eat.

What in a nutshell is the negative thinking reinforced every time we over eat? “It’s no use. I give up. Just leave me alone.”

And inevitably - afterwards - we despise ourselves… just a little bit more.

Zoning-out with the food = Giving Up on Life.

No one can say we are terrible people; or lazy; or irresponsible, because we know how addiction works . Our eating disordered behaviors are not about lack of will power. We are not to be blamed for having this disease. But at the same time - what we do about it, is our responsibility.

It has helped me, to understand where my mind goes when I feel like compulsive eating. It has been KEY for me to see the whole picture of what my eating disorder is doing to me. Allowing my eating disorder to continue - is ruining my thinking, my motivation and any chance at real happiness.

Knowing what I am really doing to myself - when I think of overeating at night - has helped. Knowing how when I deaden all my feelings with food, it includes the good ones - Like motivation, Joy… feeling my own Self-Acceptance… feeling hope. I am clear now, how eating to zone out, ruins my hope.

So, Yes. Ultimately, Yes…

Knowing some of the major reasons I overeat is a Big Help.

Now, I notice now, how much a compulsive-eating-night affects me the next morning - the negative effects are much clearer now. After eating compulsively to zone out, my motivation is practically gone. I am dragging. I can’t focus as well. I just don’t care about much of anything.

…and I am damaging My Own Self-Image - when I compulsively overeat.

So, knowing Why I’m overeating, and What I am really doing to myself when I do it - has made me able to see my overeating in a whole new way. I am much clearer on how Overeating stomps on my ability to feel Happiness.

For me, sometimes knowledge does help with my addiction. And knowing more clearly what the problems are…

means that we are this much closer to a solution.

How Free do You Want to Be? or “The H.P. Piece can be a Real Bear”

There are a few curves in trying to trust in a Higher Power.

In the beginning I naively thought - If I was praying for guidance, that things should go well. (e.g., I would not make any more embarrassing mistakes.)

Hah. I was so let down. I was angry… “I prayed!” I thought, “I’m trying to follow Your Guidance!” I was furious… and felt I’d been duped again. I had seething resentments for anyone that had persuaded me to trust this process (against every fiber of my being!) My own brain telling me not to do it, and then falling on my face…

What I didn’t know, was that asking my HP for guidance wasn’t a straight shot to not making mistakes anymore… or that other people still had power over how things were going to turn out. I hadn’t thought that far yet!

But I did notice that after a few days of being angry with Program and dumping the HP thing completely, that I was really, really miserable. And then it would dawn on me - I haven’t been praying! And I’d get back on track. And funny, how I would feel calm, and feel the small inner strength again - where there had been none.

After a number of these roller coasters, I finally got it. That asking my HP for guidance didn’t mean I was always going to get my way.

When I started praying regularly… things slowly started to change. My attitude first… I was looking for good in the world, where before I was living in fear and worry. I started to read more spiritual works and kept finding the word Love.

I kept finding things that said: ‘It’s okay to like yourself.’ ‘It’s okay to accept yourself exactly as you are.’ …The truth is, it’s not just okay. It’s smart! How can we expect to succeed, when we’re letting our inner voice put us down constantly.

Yes. It’s a lot of work. But for me, just knowing which direction to move forward in, was a relief…. and healing in itself.

None of Us Are Alone. You Can Connect.

I was watching a movie last night, “The Shift.” It outlines answers to the profound mysteries of life, like: “Why am I here?” “What is life about?” “Do I even matter?” “What is my purpose?”

Pretty heady stuff.

The best part was, the age old wisdom they offered was easy to apply to recovering from addiction.

This one stood out to me:

“We are all Divine Spirits,with Courage, Wisdom and Love in our hearts.”

It feels like salve for my soul.

But, I also remember this kind of thing seeming impossible to believe, in the start of my recovery, and impossible to internalize…

As the movie ended, it all came together:

“We are all divine creatures - with courage, wisdom and love in our hearts

And it is in Our Recovery - that we are shown the way back.”

I don’t know of any other statement that sums up recovery from addiction - and who we really are - better that that.

But, the problem is, when we are still in emotional pain, such beautiful thoughts seems unreachable. They can even sound ridiculous… and like lies. Even if we can believe that that might be possible for other, we can feel certain, that this transformation is not true for us.

All I know is what I’ve experienced. Years ago, I was in emotional agony. I felt hopeless; stupid; weird… and too big of a mess for anyone to help. So these “Candyland” statements made me sick. …because they seemed light years away from where I was. I felt like the people saying them were cruel - that’s how far I was from believing any of it could happen to me.

But I hung in there. I tried to understand… I made mistakes - and found mistakes are a big part of learning… I asked people for help.

Today I have over 7 years sober and abstinent.

For me, if there was anything I needed to pound into my head, it was this:

“No one can do it alone.”

It took me a long time to realize: they were talking to ME.

*Think about calling someone when you’re hurting. Call someone right now. Text someone. ;) Get out to a meeting… :)

You’ll be happy you did.

Why is Connection Vital ?

There is a universal truth with addiction. The addict continues to believe “They can do recovery alone. It is a tragic self-delusion, that many addicts have a very hard time shaking in the beginning of their recovery. It’s not only tragic, it is often fatal.

You have no idea how many addicts come back to their recovery, from a painful  relapse saying:   “I thought  ‘I got this.  I don’t need to go to meetings anymore.’”  or  “I don’t need anything after treatment.  I get it now.  I’m fine on my own.”

We’ve all heard this sad tale so often in recovery.   But does it have to be this way?    Do we need to allow the new people to make the same mistake thousands of addicts before them have made?   Does every new addict     HAVE  TO    RE-INVENT    THE   RECOVERY  WHEEL?

It’s tragic that addicts don’t know how important  Staying Connected with their Recovery Community is.

Why is staying connected so important?

Positive eye contact

Psychological / emotional healing takes place in “relationship.”  For a multitude of reasons, an addict will not experience real recovery, real change in their negative thinking and behavior alone by themselves.   It happens in communication, the special connection -  the engaging of one positive human being with another broken one.

Caring eye contact

As addicts, we can” learn”  all the information - but without the human connection, we can’t change what we think and how we feel .   These changes happen in Experiencing Them With Others.  Without the experience of acceptance our spirit cannot heal.   Without the caring eye contact, our souls are still alone.   Healing the addict’s mind is important, as is there spirit.  

Compassionate eye contact

We must experience the healing, as we learn about it.  We’ve got to feel the difference, when we change our behavior and get a different outcome.  We must see  new thinking or beliefs work in relation to others now.  We learn best by doing.  We can want to be better.  We can know all the data that states how to get better.   But we’re not going to get better, until our spirit feels it can come out of hiding.  Until our spirit can open its eyes and look out, without fear.  We won’t get better until our spirit can feel the acceptance of another… the validation of their situation, and feel the caring.   Caring, has a feeling…  and it  makes our spirit grow.    You cannot read this in a book.

Addicts don’t learn by reading it.  Addicts learn by living it.    

Addicts learn by trying out changes in their thinking...   Addicts learn by trying out new behaviors with others in a safe, supportive setting  

So what is at the core of   “Addiction”?   

A hurting individual who cannot do it alone.   An individual in pain, who needs the support and camaraderie of others - much more than they know.  An emotionally exhausted person - who strengthens themselves in the company of others…

Just Like Them. 

At this moment in time, successful recovery from addiction is the minority.  But it seems obvious: With more information, and a deeper understanding - Successful Recovery could truly be attainable for many, many more.

And isn’t that what we’re working for?

I FOUND RECOVERY IMPOSSIBLE

If Recovery From Addiction is Possible

Why Was I Finding It Impossible?

If you’re daunted by the thought of giving up your addiction, you are not alone.   Starting the process of recovery is overwhelming to everyone.   I was totally overwhelmed.    And, for me “recovery” didn’t come easy.   I struggled for a long, lonnng time.  It was miserable and I started like I just couldn’t make it with the info everyone offered me.  I needed more then what treatment and “the literature” provided.   As I tried my best to “recover” I failed constantly  - and worse - I still felt alone in the world.  It was clear to me, I needed more information to navigate the biggest challenge of my life.   And what I really needed, looking back, was to learn how to relate to - and connect with -  some of the people around me.   This seemed impossible.  

Reasons many of us struggle:

• Recovery from addiction itself is truly complex.  So many - often hard to understand - components 

• Addicts tend to ISOLATE  - when we’re not in treatment or a meeting, we stay home and ruminate in our negative thoughts (including if we live with a partner or roommate)

• There are multiple treatment plans or programs whose approaches directly conflict with each other

• Most Addict’s emotions are so incredibly intense - that staying “sober”  can be emotionally painful and feel unbearable

• and… Addict’s don’t know how to deal with their feelings - without their “drug of choice”

• Addicts are notorious for struggling to ask for the help they need

• In any spiritual program, or in any spiritual discussion in recovery - the “higher power” element can be daunting and very often a “turn off.”ECOVERY from addiction is incredibly difficult