For me, when I’m eating on and off all day, grazing - I am sedating myself. When I eat continuously after dinner, as I watch tv or a movie, I am numbing myself from my feelings and my thoughts. Food is a drug in this way. It feels that way to me.
When I’m grazing constantly, Yes, I’ll get some things done… but there’s that dull, slight haze of being disconnected. I’m intentionally disconnecting from painful feelings or anxiety, but I’m also cutting myself off from much more: Any clear thinking, any real motivation, and self esteem. How is it, that by compulsively overeating, our brain knows we are ‘screwing up’, even if we won’t consciously acknowledge it to ourselves. And for me, this felt like the ether to my disease… the ever-present ugliness that was always with me, when I was deep in my disease. I didn’t have to be eating at the moment, but the over-all depression and low self esteem and huge self doubt were constant companions. Like constantly bullying companions.
For me, I had to look very clearly at what I was doing to myself. Because if I kept going along at my normal MO, my recovery was not going to happen. I had to change how i looked at my eating, and start examining the long list of justifications I had for eating that deep down I knew was wrong.
On the other hand, Normal eating is different. I have energy when I’m eating healthier foods in real meals. This means, I am not in the constant dull haze of disappointing myself, hating myself, and feeling utterly hopeless… due to allowing the compulsive eating to rule me. And it means I am not hearing my mother’s voice in my head, putting me down non-stop. When I eat healthier, I’m not sinking in that painful negative spiral - that I am when I’m compulsively overeating. … With healthier eating, I’m eating for fuel. Doesn’t that sound wonderful. This is what a healthy functional life looks like!
I know for me, the negative consequences from allowing my over-eating are many. When I am compulsively eating is like turning my energy gauge to low. I’m dragging, and haven’t connected my lack of energy with the food… I’m just in the semi-trance state, where I “feel comfortable” - but I’m really not in touch. Yes, I’ve successfully shut off my feelings, so I think everything’s okay now. But I’ve also shut myself off from a lot more. I’m also not in touch with goals, good judgement, fresh ideas, problem solving… I’m definitely not in touch with any confidence. I’ve cut myself off from my own energy supply… and consistently feeding myself small amounts of shame. I am dragging myself down - without even knowing it.
When I began to eat “cleaner”, I started experiencing what a clear mind felt like. I’d never had a mindset not drastically altered by depression… at least never consistently. I might get spurts of confidence - but in my bingeing days - they never lasted. It seemed like any happiness or motivation, was fleeting. It was the dark, dull, energy-sapped-feeling that was the constant.
I know how challenging this is! I’ve been there. But I know it helped when I was clear on all the effects the food was having on me: Not just the weight - not just my health - but the large effect it has on my thinking.
Higher Power, please guide me.
I truly need Your help.
Please stand next to me when I make my food choices today.
Please help me make my decisions - about what I eat - and how much.
With my prayer - I know you will guide me
.
