I always thought affirmations were silly. They seemed corny and dumb - but mostly - they felt “wrong” for me.
Back then, I didn’t know that all of this was due to my subconscious thoughts. While I was trying to be “happy” on the outside, my insides were swimming in pain. I learned how powerful the sub conscious is. I found that understanding my subconscious - just a little - would be a game changer for me.
Our subconscious is where all our shame and pain is… For addicts, our core beliefs are very skewed and negative. There is nothing natural about a human being hating themselves… or having no hope. Where healthy normal, self-acceptance should be, we have a deep self-hate. No wonder we’re in so much pain. No wonder we have no ambition and feel hopeless at times.
Our subconscious holds our worst fears and beliefs about ourselves… Thoughts like: “I'm so stupid.” “No one really likes me… No one understands. No one cares… I’m such a Loser.”
Now I understood why I hated affirmations so much. My conscious mind told me I should do them. But my subconscious mind - the stronger of the two - felt they were lies. It believed the absolute opposite. With my subconscious mind spews such nasty insults at me - it made my saying affirmations like whispering in the wind. Truly, it felt so unnatural I couldn’t bring myself to do it. With this new clarity, I had to ask myself:
How long am I going to let negative lies from my subconscious over rule the positive traits everyone tells me I have? How long will I refuse to look at my good traits - while the Negativity is still beating the hell out of me?
I learned that I didn’t have a choice anymore - I had to look at my assets! My dark subconscious is putting me down all day. I’ve. Got. to Start. Countering. It.
A big piece that I realized I had to get past was this:
It just wasn’t going to work to be “fashionably” modest anymore. My trying to act modest; refusing to say anything positive about myself, as an excuse, was truly hurting me. Because it was an excuse: a cover-up. The real truth is that I was full of shame. Horrible shame. I wasn’t aware of this significant piece of my disease, but it was there, swarming in my subconscious. I’d thought I was being “modest”, even admirable, but I was wrong.
And there is a difference between healthy self acceptance and bragging. No one is saying: brag obnoxiously about your good points. The important piece is what you believe in your own head. And when you believe the good traits are there - it becomes easier and easier to speak about them. We’ve been hurting a long, long time. Our spirit is yearning for gentle acceptance and validation.
Now when I’m feeling down, or have time in the car, I remember to fortify myself. I can say some truths about myself, that even in the beginning, I could tolerate: “I am working hard on my recovery. I have made progress already. I can be proud of myself now. There is hope for me today.”
Each of these felt good - when I said them a few times - and meant it. When I forced myself to say them, and think about them and tried to see their truth, it became powerful.
And a great place to start.
